Is there any less guarantee that I'll get into grad school if I'm married? Is there any less guarantee that I can do what I want if I'm in a relationship with someone who'll graduate in two years? Really?
I'm stressed.
Seriously, I used to be so scared about this; about not knowing what to bring up in our little pauses in conversation, sitting with him alone in the dark of his living room or parked car, not knowing what to do when I'm about to leave the car, all of it. But now I just want it to happen. I feel like I'm stuck on the fence, and I just want to be off before the wires cut through my fingers. Either side. I mean, I want to be over it, to the next spot, and be his girlfriend, but even getting dumped would be better than staying on the freaking fence.
I don't know what he wants, but I want to know soon and I want it to be decided. I'll force him to make out with me if I have to! (If that would change anything... and it actually probably wouldn't... oh well, nice image anyway.)
Today I sent him a text requesting that we hold hands next time we walk together, and he agreed. UGH! I hate initiating things. With Brent, I was the one who initiated everything and then everything sucked when I found out (not from him) that he didn't admire it as much as he said he did. AH! It all started with Inwoo! Yeah! Junior year! He told me to make all the moves, because that way we wouldn't go too far. (...Too far. That just sounds so slutty. We never did anything I wouldn't volunteer to my bishop.) But that use doesn't serve with classy boys, because they can handle themselves. So I don't have to initiate, and I have to wait instead. Wait on the fence, for signs and for moves, for texts... and cry.
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